Ten Things To Do When You Run Into a Mama Bear with Two Cubs in the Woods (Not!!!)

Three people sit on a couch chatting and smiling in a bright living room.



By Manny Vazquez


June 10, 2026



Friends, these are 10 things you should do when you run into a Mama Bear and her two cubs in the woods. These things probably won’t work, but you can try them anyway:


  1. Run. Hard. Away. However, most Mama Bears can outrun a cheetah when they’re angry! So good luck!
  2. Play dead. That way, you’ll be in a lying position for a few minutes later when you are actually dead.
  3. Scream. That might scare the two little cubs. It’ll also anger the Mama Bear even more; you won’t feel a thing.
  4. Sit perfectly still. This surmises that a Mama Bear will believe you are a statue even after she smelled and saw you coming from miles away.
  5. Pretend you are nonchalantly walking by and didn’t even see the bear; don’t worry this tactic would never work if you tried to sneak up to my home to rob, kill, and destroy, and it won’t work with the bear, either.
  6. Become angrier than the bear; go on the offense; it might be your only chance; also, it won’t work, unless the bear is already hurt; and if it is, it’s already supremely ticked off; again, good luck!
  7. Reason with the bear; although there is no reasoning with someone if you are endangering their kids; think about this one.
  8. Splash some water on the bear; yes, because water is to a bear like Kryptonite is to Superman, right??? Wrong.
  9. Run like a crazy person, or like a chicken with its head cut off, screaming like there’s no tomorrow. Well, for you there is no more tomorrow, so go right ahead and try this tactic.
  10. And last, but not at all least, pray. Pray that God will forgive your sins, accept Jesus as your Savior, trust in Him with your life, and pray that He will accept you into His presence after the bear tears you to pieces because she will. As you die by bear, forgive the bear, for she was only doing what you would do, hopefully, if your children were in real danger.


This list, my Friends, is kind of a funny way of telling you that if you run into a Mama with two cubs in the woods, you better pray that God takes you first because the bear will kill you, no ands, ifs, or buts about it.


Actually, this joke is mostly about most Moms in the world and how they are so fiercely protective of their kids. In my time as a counselor, I have worked with many Moms whose kids have been taken away by their cruel fathers or a cruel children’s protective service.


Let me issue this warning to any organization (and I don’t care how fancy an organization you are: government, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, whatever faith you have or non-faith system you have; like I said, I truly don’t care who you are), if you are stealing children from their Mothers, God will take care of you in His own way and in His own time. He will destroy you, no not kill you (that would be silly); no, our Blessed LORD will destroy you spiritually. My God will take everything from you. He will bring down your stupid department, your idiotic organization, whatever it is.


I am supremely angry for all the Moms in the world who have been abused by narcissistic men and by the lofty judges who side with these monsters, rather than side these innocent women who are supremely sad that their children have been ripped from their arms. There is no worse thing that you can do to a Mom than take away her child. Do you know what you all have all done in taking children away from their Moms? You have royally ticked off the Biggest Bear of them all, our Blessed LORD, Who will avenge these sweet Moms and their blessed children. Amen and Amen.